Ever After Page 2
Like I said, interesting. I don't know if it means anything or if this was an isolated instance of morality over duty. Whatever the reason, I'm happy to see our people safe. It's nice to know that some of the enemy have their heads on straight, though no one is counting on that to save us in the long run.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Incipit Vita Nova
Posted by Beckley
Hey kids, it’s Beckley. So Josh mentioned Saturday that he, I, and Big K had lunch. It may have also been mentioned that I was a pig. So a couple clarifications. First, I’m not normally such a glutton but I never thought I’d see another cheeseburger again before I moved here. I guess I still treat each burger like it’s the last one on Earth. Second, I hate the fact that Superman would win too. Superman is boring. He’s a boy scout. But he’s also invincible unless you have kryptonite, which you don’t. So what can you do? I like Batman too. He’s complicated and dark, but these are the rules of the universe. It’s like playing war with a five year old who always insists he has force field armor. You’re not going to win. Just accept it. Superman wins. It sucks, but you’ve got to deal with it.
Needless to say, it was a great time. And it got me thinking about life. I realized later that day, while my digestive system took me down for the count, that this was the first time I’ve lived since The Fall. Actual living. See, I was always in survival mode. In fact, I initially hated the concept of settling down, of trying to rebuild a life. I saw it as decadence, as creating a hope that could only be shattered. How can you try to build anything when there are still zombie heads to smash? So I lived on adrenaline. Every one of my actions was directed at keeping me alive in the moment. The things I’ve done since The Fall, the things I needed to do, they were all calculated on what my need was. I tried not to screw over others, not to ruin their chances of survival, but if it came down to your life or mine, I would live.
And now, since coming to New Haven, my entire world has opened up. Take the hamburgers for example. In the world that was…no, scratch that. In the world that still is, I love to cook. I haven’t gotten to do it as much since The Fall, but it’s still something I love. So when I got to actually grill my own burgers? Goddamn, son! That was as much of a thrill as eating them. Later on that day, I realized there’s nothing to stop me from following this love. I could talk to the Burger Couple about expanding. They make burgers, but what if I helped them do more? What about taking a brisket and turning it into corned beef or pastrami? I’d always wanted to do that before the end of the world, so why not now? I’m not saying I’m going to do that, or that they’d want to, but just that I can. For the first time, I was thinking beyond just survival. You can survive (somehow) without pastrami. But why live without it?
This sounds like such a basic realization now that I’ve had it, but there are so many out there who still live in survival mode. There’s no hope because by definition hope has no place in a life lived only day to day. Hope is the expectation that there can be more. When you live just to survive, it takes a toll. In the end it’s not sustainable. Here, let me tell you a story to illustrate that:
Once upon a time there were a group of punk-ass soldiers in Richmond. These guys were tough and resourceful, but when The Fall hit, they didn’t know how to live. They just survived. They ate up their own resources, so they turned on their neighbors. Now, they’d have been better served to ally themselves with the people around them, but that would have involved planning for the future. No, the Richmond Boys wanted to survive for today. So they eventually took over New Haven. Once there, they ate up their resources again because all that mattered to them was the present. And because of that lack of focus, they got their asses thoroughly and rightfully handed to them.
But the story doesn’t end there. People were oppressed during the reign of Richmond. When New Haven was reclaimed, some of these victims retreated from the community they’d built, the community for which they lived. Now they focused only on survival because their safety had been so shattered. Any time they felt they weren’t heard, they threw tantrums. When they felt they weren’t getting enough, they stole. When there appeared to be the slightest hint of a threat, they screamed out for blood. No more group, no more life, just survive at all costs. And thanks to their reversion back to survival when the community around them had evolved beyond that, they were exiled. Still, they couldn’t move on. They coupled their survival with hate. In order for me to survive, you must die. This hatred, this need to be strong, led to them embracing marauders and so they were subjugated again. By the time they realized that they needed to move on, to settle down, they were broken and fragmented and they had no friends. Now they’re all dead.
Survival keeps you alive, but it’s not sustainable. And when you couple hate with that destructive way of life, you accomplish nothing but your own destruction. Because what does hate get you? I despise the marauders out there, but I don’t hate them. I think the UAS is out of control and misguided, but I don’t hate them. Hate takes up so much energy, invests you in the life and behavior of a person you can’t stand. What’s the point? So when you mix hate with trying to survive day to day, all you get is people existing to nurse their own grudges.
And that’s where this comes back to you. Look, I don’t give a crap who likes me and who doesn’t. Who trusts me and who doesn’t. I’d like to walk down the street without getting spat at, but whatever. Seriously though, look at yourself. If you truly hate the UAS, if you truly hate me, if you hate those UAS soldiers that saved your people the other day, then what good are you to anyone? Do you think hate makes you a better fighter? Because it doesn’t. Ask any of the professional soldiers that New Haven has operating on the front. You think they want hotheads or people with something to prove? Do you think your hate makes you more motivated? Maybe, but just for your own selfish goals, not for the group. Because, again, survival doesn’t involve the group. It involves you. There’s no loyalty there. There’s no friendship. There’s no cheeseburgers. There’s no pastrami. There’s no life.
And you in the UAS, you’re scared, I know. Your government, your military, may seem out of control in their behaviors. But you can’t depend on them for your survival any more. It’s time to build yourself a life. Because there is life out there. There is so much more. I found it. Those soldiers the other day found it. So can you.
So if anyone wants to start living life instead of just surviving, now is the time. And you know, even when I was out there, just surviving, I think I knew there needed to be life down the line. I started collecting luxury items. Useless stuff that would only be good for trade if the world started to rebuild. Some cans of soda, jewelry, spices, even porn. The hope had to be there, otherwise why haul the stuff around? And it’s time I finally cracked it out, because what good are luxuries if you don’t enjoy them? It’s time to live, not survive, and not hoard for some unrealistic expectation of a future. So if you want to trade something for a taste of expired Dr. Pepper or you’ve found the lack of internet porn intolerable, stop by and we’ll deal. But more importantly, if you need to stop by and talk, please do. Survival and hate become comfortable like a pair of filthy jeans. But it’s time to change and put on something fresh and new. Change is hard, but accepting it is necessary. Sometimes it helps to just talk. So please, stop by. We can all start this new life together.
Friday, March 8, 2013
The Long Sleep
Posted by Josh Guess
The last few days have been sleepy and quiet ones around these parts. The massive fire raging across the southern part of the Union and into UAS territory has burned itself out with minimal loss of life. It helped that a storm system moved in and dropped rain on it, not so helpful that the same storms moved north and dropped snow and ice on us.
We've mostly kept indoors this week, as you can imagine. It has been a few years since we've had such a long and sustained bout of cold, and our people have taken advantage of the fact by constantly searching out clusters of s
leeping zombies and killing them while they're inert. Small teams, but determined to clear as much of the county as possible. It's March now, so I guess it's spring cleaning come early.
I've spent a good amount of time working on the survival manual, though at this point much of the work is editing and reducing entries to bare facts. It's written in a sort of shorthand by necessity; in order to pack in as much information as possible, grammar and sentence structure have been treated as suggestions rather than rules. K and I have made our best effort to keep the thing intuitive to read and understand. We're actually in sight of finishing the first draft. It might be a few months yet before it's a done deal and archived where we can distribute it, but the sense of satisfaction is there.
Even more than me, Big K seems satisfied. I work with the guy every day but he's no less a mystery to me than when I first met him. We have a good time and work together well, but I couldn't begin to guess why he feels so passionate about the survival manual. The manual is a good thing, of course, and may save lives down the road if people find themselves in the position where they need it. But K's dedication the project is almost scary.
I've said before that there seems to be something in his past that drives him, and I wish I knew what that was. We've all got our demons. I think it would help him to talk about it.
The frustrating thing is that he's a fun guy to be around. Maybe a little more detail-oriented and fussy than I am (the precise speech and hunched manner of an old librarian is hilarious coming from a six-foot-six dude who could have been an NFL lineman) but never boring or uninteresting. As long as we're in the present, K is just like anyone else. More somber than some, but far from the depressing wreck I was six months ago.
I mean, he's teaching me to play chess. Not that I don't know how the mechanics of the game--my mom's ex-husband and I once played a game that took several months to complete--but K is teaching me the actual game. It's the difference between knowing the rank of hands in poker and understanding the probabilities involved along with learning betting patterns and the like. Knowing the rules is a different beast from knowing the game itself.
And as I think about that sentence, I realize that when it comes to Big K, I only know the rules. No one here, even the people who came with him from North Jackson, know his game at all. Suffering is an intensely private affair, and if he hadn't given me permission to write anything about him I want this post wouldn't even exist, but I think in this case life would be better for K if he started dealing with those things. Like the Beatles said, "I get by with a little help from my friends..."
But I don't push it with K himself. He's a friend, now, and a good one. I worry constantly that my effort to help him will make him angry and push him away. If he can live with it, so can I. It's just that I hate seeing people I care about deal with their pain alone. It festers in you if you never bring it out in the light of day, and letting those dark memories sleep for so long inside you only makes them stronger, more destructive.
And that's the last I'll say on the subject for now. I won't push any more.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
The Tower's Fall
Posted by Josh Guess
One of our patrols of zombie hunters got into a firefight with a small group of UAS operatives this morning. The enemy team was trying to leave the county at the time, and they were in a big enough hurry that they weren't as careful as they should have been about remaining unseen. Our people outnumbered them. It was a short fight that ended in three deaths on our side and total casualties--six--on theirs.
It was just past dawn. About three minutes after the last bullet report faded, the water tower I used to sit on and pick off zombies from exploded.
The base of the tower was rigged with charges, and the water still in the tank at the top did the rest of the work as the weakened and shredded base lost the ability to support it. We're not entirely sure what the goal of this attack was since we only used the emergency water outlets on the tower once in a great while. We haven't even used it as an observation platform for a long time now. It makes anyone sitting up there too easy a target.
The tower fell, collapsing into the East-West connector, but while this is technically a large event (and I'm not at all down playing the deaths of three of our people here, please understand) it doesn't do more than inconvenience us in a minor way. We don't use that route to the other side of town since there's no bridge half a mile past that point, and even if we did there are several easy alternate routes past the ruined section of road.
The tower was tactically unimportant. As a psychological maneuver it's null. None of us needed it or cared about it. Even my own sentimentality only makes me feel vague regret. The UAS may not be operating on good information. That's the only explanation that makes sense to me.
We're far more upset about losing three of our people. It's always a sad day when the community mourns the losses of brave and dedicated citizens. We will have a moment of silence across all New Haven today at noon, and their friends and families will hold small services for them. Some people don't see the point in funerals or memorials. I used to be one of them. But we all know the ceremonies aren't there for the dead. They exist for the living, to remind us of how painful our losses are. Of what we fight for. Taking the time and energy to construct a service dedicated to another is one of the ways we stay human. We mourn in many ways, but this helps us not only move past that pain, but to forever enshrine it with meaning.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Seasons
Posted by Josh Guess
Yesterday ended up being absolutely beautiful. I can't help but think about the three people we lost and how they didn't get to feel the gorgeous wind tickling their limbs at a comfortable sixty-five degrees. They didn't get to feel that shift in the world that says, "cold days might be ahead, but we're on our way to warmer times."
It's the tenth of March, and the planting will begin in exactly ten days. We can't be sure there won't be a hard frost after that, but Jess has enough hardy crops ready to go in the ground that we shouldn't lose many to the cold. Spring is here. The time when the world resumes all the activities it put aside when the harsh winter followed the winding down of fall.
Now more than ever I think that applies to us as well. We've worked hard for the last three years to make our little corner of creation a better, safer place. We've invested time and effort into recreating at least minimal technology, and now that the ground is softening and work conditions improving we can start to reap dividends on those investments.
Though all of us have grown accustomed to how harsh the winter months are without things like central heat, this time of year always brings relief. I imagine it's how humans many hundreds of years ago must have felt; a sense of elation and power at having defeated the elements for another year.
It's obvious even on the most subtle of us. Big K came into the office today with a smile on his face and a pep in his step. He's sitting next to me now, wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and a pair of knee-length shorts. K has been chatting all morning about a shipment that came in last night and how he helped unload it. It's good to see him getting out there and integrating with the community, getting to know people as he helps out. I worry about him not having those connections. God knows I'm bad about keeping up with my friends.
If Will and Patrick didn't stop over here as often as they do I probably wouldn't see them at all. Can't remember the last time I went to visit Becky in her little lab. While she technically still lives here, she hasn't slept anywhere but the cot in her lab for ages. I guess the difference is that I have a lot of people I can rely on, who are there for me as they know I am for them even if we don't visit with each other often or deeply. K doesn't have that. It's a very positive development that the cruel weather turning kind is encouraging him to get out and about. It means there's hope that he will find positive things and integrate with the rest of us.
Don't think it's all sunshine and bunny rabbits
here in New Haven. We haven't forgotten about the UAS. In fact, word has spread that the massive staging ground swelling with people whose origin we can't quite figure out is on the verge of a mobilization. We don't know for sure when it will come, but the mysterious and large numbers of people appearing (possibly from the bunkers?) are bolstering the forces aimed at the Union, the western communities, and the empty northern space currently being used by most of us for travel between the two halves of the country.
Every shred of data we have says they'll be coming soon. To say we're not afraid would be stupid; any survivor worth their salt has a healthy sense of self-preservation. Fear is the major component of that. But we're not letting that fear rule us. Further, we're ready for a fight if need be. I will regret that necessity right up until it becomes an unavoidable reality. I will regret it afterward, as well, but I'll be shedding those tears on the corpses of my slain enemies.
The mistake would be confusing my compassion and empathy for weakness. That doesn't just go for me, but all of us. This is the season of new life and new beginnings, the time where things grow and the future is most open to cultivation.
But before you can sow, you have to remove any weeds that might choke the life out of your crop.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Sprung
Posted by Josh Guess
It's just past eleven in the morning here, and it's overcast and raining. The temperature is a comfortable if slightly less than ideal 54 degrees. Over the last two and a half days, we've seen Spring truly come in, and as of yet there have been no reported zombie sightings within visual range of any of our settlements in the county.
I don't think we're past the point of the undead being a threat to us by any means. The constant efforts of our people over the last few months have worked out well for us creating a relative calm. The county is mostly clear, and the smell of death that drives away zombie swarms seems to be playing a part in that. But with warmer weather there is always in increase in zombie activity. So now that Spring has sprung we can begin the to drive way the constant swarms that threaten us. the next step in our plan to drive away the constant swarms that threaten us can begin.